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From Dominique's Desk
What did you say? 3 tips to understanding your child better.
Do you often feel frustrated when you are unable to understand what your toddler is trying to say to you? Does your repeated attempts see your end up with your child screaming or crying?
If you have answered YES to these questions, you fit the category of the majority of parents who are struggling to understand their child.
Here are some tips on how you can put an end to this communication breakdown between parent and child.
#1- Take a moment.
Before you start engaged in the conversation- Take a moment.
Remove all distractions from your surrounding and clear your train of thought. Put the “Pause” button on whatever you are currently doing and redirect your undivided focus onto your child. This would show to your child that you value deeply what she is trying to say and that you are making an attempt to understand their feelings/wants. You would also be more able to read into both visual and verbal signals that your child may be showing while trying to talk to you.
#2- Be Positive
Even though you may not be on the best of moods for the day try to act positive and be open to what your child is saying. Children are very sensitive and will reactive to any negative vibes that you emit. I.e.: stern tone, disapproving looks or gestures.
Children are unique individuals, with their own timing of social, emotional, cognitive, linguistic and physical growth and development. They are sensitive individuals who are lacking the proper tools to be able to express themselves clearly to us, Adults.
Therefore, as parents and main caregivers, it is our responsibility to provide them with the equipment/environment they need to communicate better with us.
#3- Don’t pre-judge/label your kids
“He is a handful”. How many times have you heard parents mention this sentence? They pass judgment and categories their child and unknowingly their child is becoming their worst nightmare.
With such preset notions parents put themselves into a rut with unending uphill challenges that they have to face throughout parenthood. Negative labels eat at building up self-esteem in a child and a sense of being loved by their parents.
Children learn when they have positive self-esteem and are in an environment where there is mutual respect and cooperation.
As a result, parents should build on opportunities for children to make connections and build on what they know. This way, they will bridge the communication gap that they have with their kids and strengthen the parent-child bond.
Household chores
Many people may be asking what a one year old can be taught to do? At such an age will a toddler be able to follow instructions given?
The answer is 'Yes'
Even though they may not follow what you want them to do 100% of the time-as most kids do- they are able to follow simple instructions given to them.
At One he has a vocabulary of 20-60 words even though he is only able to verbalize the most 5 to 6 words clearly. [ Mummy, Daddy, Ryan, Ah Ye, Mama & mummum-food]
After his 1st birthday I have introduced him to the toothbrush and am slowly teaching him how to brush his teeth. He is able to grab the toothbrush and try to imitate his brother brushing his teeth.
I feel that he is 'old enough' to help out by assisting me with some simple household chores.
Roy is learning to:
- Clean up- put back his toys after play
- Take out the clothes from the washing machine and put it into the laundry basket for me to hang up.
- Take his storybook out from his shelve and bring it me to read for him before bedtime. He also places the storybook back into the cupboard after reading.
- Switch off the electronic appliances after use (TV/Radio/VCD player)
- Clean up after playing
- Keep his shoes/bag away after returning from school
- Put the dishes/cups in the sink after use
- Brush his own teeth and do his own toileting
- Help in folding the clothes ( this is also one of the activities suggested in the Montessori book that I have been reading)
- Mentor reading to Roy ( it will help to build up the bond between the brothers and also improve his reading abilities)
- Vacuum the floor.
Conversation over lunch
My elder boy, Ryan, has always been very vocal since he could talk at 9mths. Within a span of 3yrs his vocabulary has expanded exponentially.
Flashback to 2yrs ago where each utterance was either one or two words it really was blissful compared to NOW- he can readily give his opinions/recommendations and reasonings while engaging you in a nerve wreaking heated debate.
Here's an excerpt of our "conversation" over lunch.
" Ryan sit down and have your lunch". I chided him for climbing up on the chair and trying to disturb Roy who I was busy feeding.
" No~I'm not hungry I do not need to eat, " He replied.
Trying out my latest resolution not to get easily angered with him I told him that it was fine that he doesn't want to eat but everyone else at the table is going to have their lunch. He can either join in and have his lunch or sit and wait till everyone is done.
" No~ I want to go to West Coast Park" he said " Let's go now!!" He insisted.
I reiterated my stand with him and told him we are not going anywhere till we are done with lunch, irregardless of whether he is going to have his.
Ryan turns over and speaks to daddy.
" Daddy , after lunch we will go to West Coast Park okay?" he says
" Just you and me go to West Coast Park and play." He pauses to think for a while.
" Roy can come along too BUT mummy is not invited. She has to stay at home."
Hubby quizzes him on why he doesn't want me to come along to the park.
[ You can faint in anger when you read his reply]
" Mummy wasn't being nice to me. She tried to make me eat my lunch. Naughty Mummy",Ryan said.
"Later when she decides to be a good girl maybe I will let her come along with us, " he adds.
He has rearranged what I have said to him earlier on in the week and twisted the context to his favour.
On an earlier occasion I had told Ryan that he wasn't been nice as he had roughly pushed Roy and snatched his toy away while Roy was playing with the train set on the floor.
I did not allow him to play with the train set but told him to get another toy to play with instead as his brother was currently playing with the train set.
I also mentioned that when he decides that he could behave nicer/ play together with his brother and share the toys he could come back and play with us.
Today it shows that he fully understood what I was said to him and is able to reuse what he "learnt" to his advantage.
Maybe he will grow up to be a famous politician?
For the record - Ryan has always had problem during mealtimes as he doesn't fancy eating and rather be off playing. Each mealtime takes about 1-2hr just feeding him even though he is able to self-feed by himself.
Spare the Rod?
Using the rod as a way of disciplining a child has been a common practice in many Asian households. It advocates a disciplinarian style of child rearing that is frown on by most parents nowadays.
I absolutely see no benefit in using the rod even though the older generation SWEARS by it. I have tried using this method on Ryan when he misbehaved but the same " mistake" was still repeated despite using the cane as a punishment.
There even is a saying " Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child". I beg to differ. I rather concentrate on " Spare the Rod and Educate the Child" instead.
Using the rod only instills a sense of temporary fear in the child as he cringes at the sight of it and stops his unsatisfactory/unwanted act the instance the rod comes into view.
It is not a long term solution as there are many cases of kids being immune to it and it the parent has lost it's initial purpose of being a deterrent to inappropriate behaviour/conduct.
Children learn from every action you make. I have seen Ryan smacking his brother while scolding him for being naughty and taking his toys away without asking. This is definitely not the way I want for him to behave towards his younger brother.
The repercussions of this method of punishment is that the signal that you are giving to the child is that " I am bigger/older than you and with this physical/violent act you must conform to what I want you to do"
This is a real NO-NO as it is saying that being physical with others will get you what you need.
There are other methods of discipline which can be used to educate a child but I will leave it for subsequent posts. :)
I need a fever sticker
During the past few weeks Ryan has started procastinating every morning before going to school. It always starts with " Mummy I am sick... I need a fever sticker." This is followed by him lying flat on the bed with his hand to his forehead.
" Feel me.. my head is hot.. I have a fever". I reach over and feel his forehead. It is fine.. " No fever," I replied" Now get changed for school."
" I told you I'm sick" Ryan insists " Check my temperature again"
This time to make sure and to show him that his really FINE I take out the clinically approved BRAUN thermormeter and took his temperature. " See.. 36.7degree celcius" I exclaim " Put on your clothes and get ready for school"
Ryan still insists that he needs a fever sticker.
" If you have a fever sticker will you feel better and be okay to go to school?" I quizzed him. Ryan nodded and said yes.
Grudgingly I go to the refigerator peel open the pack of fever stickers, take one out and paste it on his forehead.
"Ok...Now you have your fever sticker," I say "get dress for school"
He changes out of his pyjamas and into his school uniform and within 10 min he was happily boarding the school bus with the sticker on his forhead.
KIDS!!!
* For anyone who is wondering what a Fever sticker is it is a cooling adhesive used commently here to bring down the temperature when children have fever. It looks something like this